Good listeners are scarce, and you’re among the few if you can claim you are one. Listening is not an action but a skill done deliberately. It has the power to transform relationships if perfected. Neuro-Linguistic Programming presents unique, lesser known techniques that will make you a more attentive listener and connect you with people more meaningfully. You will learn, through advanced NLP approaches, how to tune in better, connect with feelings of others, and get people to feel that you are actually hearing and valuing them.
Here are some NLP techniques that go beyond the usual, helping you connect at a deeper level.
In NLP, submodalities refer to the small details in the way that we experience our memories, thoughts, and feelings. You are able to tune in to another person’s words and feelings when you are listening by shifting your submodalities. Submodality shift can create that subtlety in making one get totally submerged in someone’s experience; hence listening would be so vivid and interactive.
1. Shift your focus: Hear their words and then adjust mentally how you hear them. Maybe their voice is a little bit louder or closer.
2. You see their feelings. You can imagine colors on their feelings, such as seen in warmth or even the tone by which they talk
3. Embrace sensory information. As you may hear, try to think of ways in which things feel as they tell it by seeing it through their own eyes.
For instance, if a friend shares an excited moment of his life, one can vividly see the colors that fill up the energy. The other may imagine hearing this voice fully in his head. Mental shifts can make you feel where they feel, which makes your listening not only more present but also involved and connected at the same time.Submodality shifting allows a complete experience by the person hearing the words spoken, so he learns that it’s something of great importance and attaches much value to him.
Spatial anchoring is one NLP technique by which you link up in your mind particular areas of your space to specific states of consciousness. Applied to listening, this can help you develop the ability to mentally build up a “listening space” – that is, a space in which, each time you enter, you achieve a fully attentive open state.
1. Choose an environment in your life-it may be a certain chair, and it may also be facing one direction.
2. Mental Anchor: Attach the above environment with the concept of attentive listening. Every time you go into that chair or to the space in which you’re facing, intend fully to be there and receptive to the speaker.
3. Self-statement: Every time you listen in this environment remind yourself that this is your “listening zone,” which you come to bring total attention and empathy.
Place your “listening anchor” on the right side of the sofa and, every time you sit there, you will immediately go into a mindful, focused state. Whether sitting with family, friends, or colleagues, sitting in that space can mentally cue the sense that you are all set to listen carefully.
Spatial anchoring allows a person to associate a physical location with mindful listening and, at the same time, maintain a sense of consistency regarding one’s attentiveness.
Calibration is one of those NLP techniques where you unconsciously change the pace of your breathing according to the person you’re listening to. Matching up your breathing with theirs puts you in sync with what the other person is feeling. And when you do, suddenly, you can actually get a sense of what that feels like.
1. Observe their pattern of breathing: Spend a little time noticing whether they are deep, shallow, fast, or steady breathers.
2. Gradually harmonize with theirs. Don’t push for this; you simply become attuned to their breathing.
3. Tune into theirs: Once you’re harmonized, you will then listen closely to what they say and sense how they feel.
Your friend is telling you something depressing and you notice that she is breathing slowly. Imitate her breathing pattern. Sometimes this small action can create a soothing atmosphere and show that you care about the situation.
Pattern matching is the listening for repetitions of words, phrases, or tones of voice. What you can do is derive insight from these patterns and understand their priorities, what is on their mind or what they feel. This connection helps you respond in line with what matters most for them.
1. Listen for repeating words or phrases. These words or phrases can be a sign for themes or emotions they want to emphasize.
2. Notice how they speak about certain subjects.
3. Acknowledge these patterns in your response, reflecting back the ideas or themes they’ve brought up.
If someone keeps saying they feel “overwhelmed” when talking about work, notice that “overwhelmed” is a key concern. Respond with, “It sounds like feeling overwhelmed is something you’re dealing with a lot lately.” This way, you show you are paying attention to their main concerns.
Generally speaking, people use metaphors or symbolic language to make their emotions or ideas much more understandable. Metaphor echoing is picking these metaphors and using them in your response, showing you connect to their emotional and symbolic world as you hear them more than the literal words themselves.
1. Pay attention to any metaphors they’re using, such as “feeling stuck” or “a heavy weight on my shoulders.”
2. Acknowledge the metaphor in your reply. Use similar imagery to describe the way they feel and express empathy with their emotional terminology.
3. Expand on their metaphor appropriately by helping them expand an idea or emotion they’re working with.
If a friend says, “I feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel at work,” you can respond with, “It sounds exhausting to feel like you’re putting in so much effort but getting nothing for it.” This shows you’ve actually heard the emotional depth in their metaphor.
This repetition of the metaphor will give that person the feeling of being so profoundly connected and understood.
Because NLP people believe that every person is most often one of these types, either visual, auditory, or kinesthetic in a particular style, so we know to appeal to their favorite way of receiving information through speaking with their preferred senses.
Pay attention to their language and hear what the sensory cues are; when they say “see” or “picture, that probably means they lean more toward being visually oriented, and if they say “hear” or “say” then they probably lean a little more toward being auditorily oriented, and if they ever say “feel” or “touch” then they’ll probably lean more toward being kinesthetically oriented. Match the sensory language to connect with them more instinctively.
Ask questions from a similar sensory style which will help them open themselves up to you.
Example: When someone says, “I feel like I’m just in the dark with this project,” say, “What might help to bring more light or clarity?” By echoing their sensory words, you make them heard on a subconscious level.
It involves echoing back the emotional undertone of what someone says before one could respond further. Hence, it conveys to the other that you are not just hearing their words but also feeling, thus respecting and validating them. In this manner, a space is built for much more connection.
1. Acknowledge the emotion first before even content. Say something like: “It sounds like that really frustrated you.
2. Avoid giving them advice or opinions until you have validated their feelings. This makes them feel understood and encourages more openness.
3. If they correct your interpretation, be flexible. Sometimes they may clarify, which also deepens your understanding.
If one says, “I don’t feel valued in my role,” you may respond, “That’s discouraging, and I can see why that’s hard to handle.” This emotional validation encourages them to share more, knowing that their feelings are taken seriously.
Emotional validation, studies have proven, highly increases trust and bonding. Backtracking emotions sets the base of empathy and lets you connect on a true level.
Future pacing is when you listen to a person’s concerns and guide them to visualize some positive outcome or possible solution. In NLP, it helps in guiding the person to find a way forward, which proves that you are interested in their future, not only in the present problem at hand.
1. Listen to their concerns or goals.
2. Help them to imagine a desirable outcome. Use something like “Imagine if. or What if in the future you can.” Encourage brainstorming of what may help them have the outcome, reinforcing their sense of agency and hope.
For example, if a friend is troubled by a career choice, ask them, “Imagine you are a year from now, feeling fulfilled in a role that energizes you. What do you think might get you there?” This helps them find ways to solve their problem with forward thinking.
Listening is really an art, and along with NLP, all the more powerful. Technics such as submodality shifting, anchoring in space, metaphor echo, and sensory language tuning advance you from mere listening space to the area where people like being valued, understood, and actually heard. The methods allow you to resonate with each other on various levels.
Every conversation turns into such an opportunity of practicing this technique and thereby connecting deeply. Listening through intentionality, empathy, and with the insight of NLP helps transform and makes people feel perfectly appreciated for their presence among you in the relationship context.